Conflict can arise when there are disagreements over: views, values or actions and interests or needs are not being met. Conflict can also be an opportunity for change.
What causes conflict?
Conflict usually starts when you disagree with somebody about something, or you don’t like how someone has reacted to something.
Conflicts tend to come from two main causes:
- Misperception, where you believe something to be true without any factual proof. For example, you might believe your sibling didn’t do the dishes because they’re being lazy and wanted you to clean up after them, but you don’t have any proof of this.
- Misinformation, which is fake news meant to deceive you. For example, somebody may text you saying that a friend was gossiping about you behind your back, when in fact this didn’t actually happen and was made up.
By understanding what starts conflict, it can help us resolve it!
I’m upset by something someone has said/done. How should I react?
You should think about a few different things before reacting, including:
- where you are (at home, at the shops, out walking the dog)
- who is involved (parents/carers, siblings, police officer, a stranger)
- whether you have all the facts (is this a misperception or have you been given misinformation?)
- your emotions (are you in a good place to respond?)
- the consequences… (what happens if you react the way you want to?)
This can be difficult because emotions can rise quickly! But by taking a minute to think through these things, we can react in a more thought-out way and not let things escalate or get worse.
What’s a better way to react?
- Be calm and brave. It’s courageous to stand up to conflict and deal with it responsibly.
- Be curious, not furious. Find out the facts and make sure you aren’t being misinformed. Don’t be too quick to judge or misperceive something.
- It’s also important to acknowledge your part in the conflict too: one person can’t just fight on their own!
- By controlling your emotions and communicating calmly you can resolve the conflict in a better way.
It’s difficult to manage my emotions sometimes
Emotions can be powerful! But it can be really useful to know how they work so we know how we can manage them. Head to the Scottish Centre of Conflict Resolution to find out what’s going on in your brain when you feel angry, sad, happy and everything in-between.
Another way you can keep your feelings in check is by figuring out what pushes your emotional buttons. These are things that, when they’re triggered, make you feel irritated, frustrated and angry. This could be things like feeling your personal space is being invaded (your parents or sibling comes into your room without asking or knocking) or you feel like there’s been some sort of injustice (you get told off for something your sibling has done). By knowing what things upset you and why, you can better manage how you react to it.
I feel like I’m struggling to manage them
When you’re feeling overwhelmed and your emotions seem too big to tackle it’s a good idea to talk to someone and ask for help.
It can be scary to ask for help. You might feel like asking for help makes you weak, when in fact the opposite is true! It’s very brave to ask for help and support when you need it – and everybody, even the most powerful people in the world, ask for help every day.
It’s important to ask for help when you start to feel you cannot cope, or feeling overwhelmed, stressed or just curious about what kind of help you would get.
You can ask anyone you trust, what you need to do is think about who they are and how they could support you. Your doctor, social worker, or support worker and other professionals that work with young people and families can help you.
More information
Learn more about managing conflicts over at the Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution website.
Visit our AyeFeel page for loads of information and support for mental health and wellbeing.